Being at home with my dogs at this time of social distancing has made me realize an uncomfortable truth. The three of us are not in this together. Instead, I've learned that I work for them. And my performance reviews might not be as stellar as I had hoped.
Upon serious reflection, I see how my English Literature degree did not prepare me for a life with dogs. What if I had been able to major in Canine Domestic Arts instead? I would have been able to tackle a few of the following courses:
1. Concierge Arts 101: Accept that much of your time at home will be spent opening and closing a back door. This course shows you how to set up your remote access to your job near that door so that you can still earn money to buy the all-important dog treats.
2. Interior Design 202: Dog Bed Feng Shui Your home's interior will have to strike a balance of human furniture and dog beds (even if the dogs have access to humans' objects). Learn how to place each bed so that it is within sight of another dog bed without disrupting your path to the back door too much.
3. Dog Psychology 300: The Stare Learn the subtle differences between "I Need To Go Out" and "I Need To Play" and "Why Are You Just Sitting There?" and "I Had Such Hopes For You."
4. Econ 300: Puponomics Spread out the destruction of pricey dog toys so that a $15 toy doesn't die after fifteen minutes. Advanced coursework requires "Drool Management" as a prerequisite.
5. Canine Physics 400: The Dog Space-Time Continuum. Study the canine theory of relativity to better deal with the issue of "Why do you need a walk? I just took you out." "That was three days ago." "No, it was an hour ago."